The No No's and Milk Allergies

If you read all the latest parent advice, you find out, like I did, that "experts" encourage parents to refrain from using the word "NO" with their very young children. They say, it stifles their urge to explore and learn from experience. Hmmm... I told my husband this one day when I heard him saying "no" to Carson, and his response was, "Well, then what am I supposed to say?" I told him what I have tried which is distracting Carson or simply saying, "That's dangerous."

The next time it came up, Carson was trying to climb up my pant leg as I sat eating my supper. It was my turn to eat (some nights are just like that), and my husband said, "No, no, Carson...uh...I mean, that's dangerous. Your mama is very protective of her food." My husband is quite the comedian, but this example showed me just how crazy this idea of not saying "no" is.

I think "no" is necessary sometimes. I don't want my child learning from experience that the road is a dangerous place to play or that the stove is hot or that if he pulls on Daddy's bike, it will fall on top of him. I do agree that "no" should be reserved for these types of dangerous situations and not be overused, but to never say "no" is just not right. If I start using it now for the most severe of cases, Carson will know that I have a good reason for saying it when he's older.

Now it's more important than ever because yesterday we found out for sure that he has a milk allergy, and he is at an age where he wants to try everything he sees us eating or drinking. The other day, I had to hide as I drank my coffee with cream because he was convinced it would be something he would like - "mmmmm! mmmmmm!" is what he says when he wants a taste. I will try distraction, but when it doesn't work, I will have to say, "No, you can't have this."

Hopefully, he will grow out of this allergy like they say most children do by the age of 3, and hopefully he has no other food allergies, so I won't have to say "no" for the rest of his life. Who wants to deny their child a bowl of ice cream! That's no fun. Until then, I will have to find out more about this food allergy condition. One advantage I have is that I have done a lactose free diet before, so I know some things already, like that butter is all fat and has no lactose. MMMMMMMM! I love butter! Also, lactose-free Breyers ice cream has 1% lactose which was enough to cause a red, angry rash around Carson's mouth when we fed it to him - this was the event that prompted us to see an allergist.

One interesting side note that the allergist told me yesterday was that in his experience children who are adopted are more likely to have allergies. He also said that children with allergies usually are the smarter ones in their class. I wasn't sure what he was saying, but then he went on to say that children of adoption must come from parents who are smart enough to know that they are not able to care for their child and make the wise choice of adoption. I wish I had had more time to ask this doctor questions about these observations, but the visit was soon over. He had some interesting opinions too about why food allergies are on the rise, and they were contrary to the idea about children being exposed to foods too soon. It sounds like I need to do some more research on a good diet for children with milk allergies and on food allergies in general.

One last thing, some advice I would give to parents taking their child to see an allergist is this. The scratch test doesn't hurt, but they do make you wait for 20 minutes for the results, so bring some good distractors (books, toys, etc.), so you don't have to say, "No". Also, I was happy that I had dressed Carson in a button-down onsie, so it was easier to undress him halfway for the test. They did the test on his back, and I was able to leave his pants on. If he had to be more undressed for the 20 minutes, he may have gotten cold. As it turned out, he jumped up and down as I held him for 20 minutes, so there was no getting cold for either of us. And I only had to say "no" once when he tried to eat the magazines (-:

He Looks Like You - Maybe Not

Since we adopted Carson, I have heard numerous times from family and friends that he looks surprisingly like us. It even got to the point where I jokingly questioned my husband if Carson really was his biological son - a plot worthy of a soap opera, but not true.

Then for the first time today, someone told me that my son didn't look like me which surprised me but didn't offend me at all. In fact, because this person is a stranger to me, it made me question whether all this time, if my family member's and friend's judgement has been biased. Have they been seeing what they thought we wanted them to see?

I will admit, it is nice to hear that Carson looks like us, but at the same time, it always made me feel as if maybe it would be harder to adopt a child who was obviously adopted - a baby of a different race. I wouldn't find it any harder, but it brings up a scenario that anyone adopting I am sure has to think about seriously. Can they accept that some people will have a harder time accepting? It shouldn't matter one bit in a perfect world, but the attitudes toward adoption were once so secretive that I think changing them is not an overnight thing. It's funny how you still hear siblings tell each other when they want to hurt them - "You were adopted!!!" I am guilty of that myself, except I used to think that I was the adopted one because I felt so different from my sister and brother.

One of the best articles I read about adoption, that somewhat follows this same idea, was written by a woman observing her friends who adopted. She optimistically pointed out that her friends had no preconceived notions of who their child should be, so he was free to develop without the pressure parents sometimes put on their children to be as smart as, as athletic as, etc. as they were. That's somewhat true, but adoptive parents may feel this pressure more sometimes. After all, we have to prove that our ability to nurture can help our children grow to be successful and happy.

It made me think of parents, adoptive or not, who think they are raising little Mini-Me's. Are they the same ones who claim every bad habit their children display is the fault of their friends? What does this mean for Carson who already seems to me to be the cutest, smartest, most wonderful child in the universe??? It means that he is already so much like me! (-;

We're Learning

About two days ago, our son learned how to clap. He not only learned how, but he knows what it's called, and he does it when we ask him to. It started out slowly with him simply bringing his chubby little hands together and then staring at them in mystified delight as if to say, "How did those get there?" And then I took a video of it, and suddenly it clicked! After putting his hands together, he pulled them apart and put them together again rapidly. Hooray!!!! He did it more.

Now he claps at almost every occasion, and it seems like he is cheering for all the things that we adults take for granted - another bite of food - clap, clap, clap - another toy found under the couch - clap, clap, clap. He woke up this morning clapping. Everyone should wake up that way!

He thinks it's funny when I clap along. He giggles at me and grabs my hands and tries to bite my fingertips. He laughs even more when I yell "Ouch!" in mock outrage. It's like he knows I'm joking.

After this clapping incident, my husband then decided that we needed to start taking advantage of this fertile learning time and teaching him new things every day. "Yeah," I responded sarcastically, "tomorrow we start calculus." I was sarcastic because I felt guilty as if I wasn't fulfilling my mom-ly duties, but then a reminder came in the form of a letter from our church, like a sign from God, herself.

Our church has a grade school connected to it, and they are always hoping to increase enrollment, so they begin making contact with new parents early. And even though they think his name is David, I still thought the letter was apropos. This is the second letter they have sent us since Carson was baptized. In the letter we were reminded that even though children are learning new things every day, we shouldn't push them too hard. It wasn't stated in those exact words, but that was the gist.

It made me think and question. Isn't that what happens to many children who enter school eager to learn only to have that enthusiasm squelched by the drudgery of the day to day work? I know this sounds weird coming from a teacher, but I have always thought that school should be more fun than it is. I try to live by this in my own classes. We should be lifetime learners. There is no best time to learn according to age. The best time to learn is determined by what we want to know which is based on what we are involved with at the time. And some people never learn that they should never stop learning.

So the moral of this confusion is that Carson has his whole life ahead of him to learn, and we shouldn't take that away from him by forcing learning on him too soon. We should rejoice in every new thing, no matter how big or small, no matter how frequent or rare - clap, clap, clap! Carson and God have just taught me one of the best life lessons of all. Relax and enjoy this and don't stress over what you think you need to be doing, Mom!